Chris Rock Quotes
Famous Chris Rock Quotes
- There are only three things’ women need in life: food, water, and compliments. – Chris Rock
- You don’t pay taxes – they take taxes. – Chris Rock
- Listen to people that are smarter than you. – Chris Rock
- Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing. – Chris Rock
- Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career. – Chris Rock
- Funny is only something that others know about you – you can’t be funny by yourself. – Chris Rock
- Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do. – Chris Rock
- I’m a big fan of Katt Williams, Jim Gaffigan, Louie CK, Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin, Rich Vas, Joey Vega and Matt Claybrooks. – Chris Rock
- “You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.” – Chris Rock
- There’s some downsides to being famous, which are not even worth mentioning. But to combat the bad sides of being famous, you really should take advantage of the good sides. The good sides are, you can use that fame to get projects you might not normally get. – Chris Rock
- You can only offend me if you mean something to me. – Chris Rock
Chris Rock Quotes on Relationship
- The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other. – Chris Rock
- Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time. – Chris Rock
- Does having a wife and kids change your act? Yes, but only in the best way. It gives you weight and authority. It also makes you closer to the audience because the audience is married and has kids. – Chris Rock
- I’ve seen women who don’t have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day. – Chris Rock
- Anything I say about women, I try to make sure that at least five or six friends of mine are going through a similar situation. That way I’m not picking on my wife. – Chris Rock
- A man is only as faithful as his options. – Chris Rock
- A sense of humor is great – it goes a long, long way in a marriage. – Chris Rock
- By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer. – Chris Rock
- I’m an independent, but I got to admit I lean Democratic. – Chris Rock
- My movies are okay, but they’re not my specials. – Chris Rock
- Jokes rot. They’re not like songs. I always envy singers – Sting is always going to sing ‘Roxanne’. But people want to hear new jokes. I’ve written jokes as good as ‘Roxanne’, I believe. But I can’t tell them again. – Chris Rock
- Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else. – Chris Rock
- If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near fourty. – Chris Rock
- Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars. – Chris Rock
- I’m severely overrated. I’m just above a hack. That should be the name of my new DVD: ‘Chris Rock: Slightly Above Hack’. – Chris Rock
- I love music. Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life. – Chris Rock
Chris Rock Men Quotations
- Men are handicapped when it comes to arguing, ’cause we have a need to make sense. – Chris Rock
- Men are only as unfaithful as their options. – Chris Rock
- Men do not settle down. Men surrender. – Chris Rock
- You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white. – Chris Rock
- Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don’t want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I’m talking about. Every club you go into, there’s always some old guy. He ain’t really old, just a little too old to be in the club. – Chris Rock
Inspirational Chris Quotes About Life
- “You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.” – Chris Rock
- Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. – Chris Rock
- With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts. – Chris Rock
- I think it’s better to have ideas. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier. – Chris Rock
- Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options. – Chris Rock
- The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. – Chris Rock
- Men lie the most. Men lie all the time. – Chris Rock
- I have my own demons and dark moods. It’s weird. – Chris Rock
- I think my best work is when I’m kind of in charge. – Chris Rock
- My relationship with my daughter is gonna affect her relationship with men for the rest of her life… Sometimes I’m walking with my daughter. I’m pushing her in the stroller, and sometimes I just pick her up and stare at her, and I realize, my only job in life is to keep her off the pole. – Chris Rock
- When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they’re crazy, because ‘sacrifice’ infers that there was something better to do than being with your children. – Chris Rock
- Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool. – Chris Rock
- Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world. – Chris Rock
- You are in a competition… Every room you’re in, you’re competing with the people that played that room and you have to be at least as good as the other people that played that room. – Chris Rock
- No matter what happens or how difficult things become, you will eventually feel better. – Chris Rock
- Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics. – Chris Rock
- I’m severely overrated. I’m just above a hack. – Chris Rock
- Hollywood’s just not funny. – Chris Rock
- Dude, I didn’t say Jude Law can’t act. I didn’t say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he’s in every movie. – Chris Rock
- The thing that surprised me the most is just how much money women that weren’t rich were paying for their hair. When you’re in a beauty parlor in Harlem next to abandoned buildings and somebody’s paying five grand for a weave, that’s a bit much. – Chris Rock
- A white boy that makes C’s in college can make it to the White House. – Chris Rock
- You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who’s angrier than Toby Keith? He’s angrier than the average 10 rappers. – Chris Rock
- Karaoke isn’t fair when you’re a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I’m a professional funny guy. – Chris Rock
- I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school. – Chris Rock
- America is the greatest country in the whole world. – Chris Rock
- My first year on ‘SNL’, I made $90,000 dollars. And I bought a red Corvette for $45,000 dollars. I’m thinking, ‘I’ve got 45 grand left!’ Taxes didn’t even come into my equation. At the end of the first year of making 90 grand I was 25, 30 in the hole. We live in this baller, spend-money culture. – Chris Rock
- It’s like, hmm, there’s people with $2000 weaves that could have bought health care with that weave money. They don’t have insurance. People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures. – Chris Rock
- You don’t need a critic to tell you people aren’t laughing. – Chris Rock
- President of the United States is you know, our boss, so you know, the President and the First Lady are kinda like the Mom and the Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something you listen. – Chris Rock
- I’ll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking. – Chris Rock
Funny Chris Rock Quotes
- I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now, there’s no rehab for stupidity. – Chris Rock
- Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders. – Chris Rock
- When I do stand-up, I’m basically doing a one-man show. – Chris Rock
- I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. – Chris Rock
- If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner. – Chris Rock
- Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy. – Chris Rock
- Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know? – Chris Rock
- Right now, my job is that I’m like an ambulance chaser. I’ve got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them. – Chris Rock
- I live way below my means. – Chris Rock
- Pretty girls have problems too. – Chris Rock
- I’m in show business… I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson. – Chris Rock
- My goal in life was to host the MTV Awards, because it’s the awards show that Prince sang on, and that was the awards show that Eddie Murphy hosted and Arsenio hosted. – Chris Rock
- I love what’s happened to me, but when I was a kid, I wanted to be the president of the United States. – Chris Rock
- I kind of keep my personality in my pocket a lot. When I start to do stand-up, that’s not my true personality either. It’s the personality of a guy who hasn’t been able to say what he wanted to say. – Chris Rock
- “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?” – Chris Rock
- “Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you’re up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.” – Chris Rock
- “It’s hard for a man to turn down sex… if they chase us, we can’t run that fast.” – Chris Rock
- “Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.” – Chris Rock
- “Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special.” – Chris Rock
- “You don’t need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost $5000. $5000 for a bullet. You know why? ‘Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there’d be no more innocent bystanders. … Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, “Damn, he must have did something. He put $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass!” N****s will say “I would blow your f***** head off–if I could afford it! I’m gonna get me another job, I’m gonna start saving some money, and then you’re dead man!. You better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway!” – Chris Rock
- “Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judgin’ the singin. Paula Abdul?! Gettin’ Paula Abdul to judge a singin’ contest is like gettin’ Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!” – Chris Rock
- “Aw, man, they gave ’em the Oscar on stage. Next they’re gonna give the Oscars in the parking lot. It’ll be like a drive-through Oscar lane. You get an Oscar and a McFlurry and keep on moving.” – Chris Rock
- “We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a fucking lactose intolerance?!” – Chris Rock
- “I’ve never seen stunt casting that’s actually funny: ‘Oh, it’s Shaq,’ and then there’s some horrible excuse for him to dunk, … It’s, like, ‘We got a famous guy, and he’s gonna be famous tonight’ — and it sucks!” – Chris Rock
- “George Bush hates midgets.” – Chris Rock
- “So you gotta look at OJ’s situation. He’s paying $25,000 a month in alimony, got a another man driving around in his car and fucking his wife in a house he’s still paying the mortgage on. Now I’m not saying he should have killed her… but I understand.” – Chris Rock
- “Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, ‘I was at Kevin’s house!’ A woman lie is like, ‘It’s your baby!’” – Chris Rock
- “I’m watching the news … Tupac Shakur was assassinated, Biggie Smalls assassinated, struck down by assassin’s bullets … no, they wasn’t. Martin Luther King was assassinated, Malcolm X was assassinated, John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two niggas got shot! Shit, I love Tupac, I love Biggie, but school will be open on their birthday.” – Chris Rock
- “I ain’t shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war’s over, I’ll be the faggot with two legs.” – Chris Rock
- “The government hates rap. That’s why they don’t arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don’t fill out a police report. They don’t even have a chalk line when it’s a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.” – Chris Rock
- “Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah’s money, he’d jump out a f*****’ window and slit his throat on the way down saying, ‘I can’t even put gas in my plane!’” – Chris Rock
- “Women would rule the world – if only they’d stop bitchin’ about each other.” – Chris Rock
- “A bunch of girls say, ‘You don’t need no man to help you raise no child’ … shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don’t mean it’s to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don’t make it a good fucking idea!” – Chris Rock
- “I’m a nerd. I’m a little guy…the last guy you’d expect in a romantic movie.” – Chris Rock
- “Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn’t curse.” – Chris Rock
- “Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep.” – Chris Rock|
- I’d like to be in a Spike Jonze movie. But I live in a Nancy Meyers movie. – Chris Rock
- I’m never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either. – Chris Rock
- If I find a comedy club where no one’s camera works, I’ll go. – Chris Rock
- Anything you can suck at should make you nervous. – Chris Rock
- I can’t cook, but I have a nice book of menus… and I can plate and set the table. – Chris Rock
- Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it’s a privilege. – Chris Rock
- If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game. – Chris Rock
- When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative. – Chris Rock
- You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense. – Chris Rock
- Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right. – Chris Rock
- Everything’s funny — in the right context and done by the right person. – Chris Rock
- Movies have takes. But plays are like life – you don’t really get takes. – Chris Rock
Chris Rock Quotes on Comedy
- A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you’re trying material. – Chris Rock
- When I started out in comedy, it was common knowledge that it took about 10 years to get good. And that was okay because it took you about 9 years to get on television. – Chris Rock
- Most parts in comedy, they’re not really written for men. They’re written for, like, these boy-men. – Chris Rock
- I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I’ll say this: The political stuff gets the press, but the relationship jokes sell all the seats. – Chris Rock
- Here’s what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor. – Chris Rock
- No film critic’s going to say it, but ‘Madagascar 3’ is better than ‘The Artist.’ – Chris Rock
- I don’t believe I can offend you in a comedy club. I don’t believe I can offend you in a concert. A comedy club is a place where you work out material; you’re trying material. – Chris Rock
- After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college. – Chris Rock
- I used to hang out with grandfather all the time because he used to pick me up from school sometimes, or drive me to my mother’s, so I’d be with my grandfather a lot. I used to watch him write his sermons. – Chris Rock
- Every now and then I’m in a situation where someone doesn’t recognize me, and I experience racism. Things like not being buzzed into a store or sitting in first class on a plane and having someone ask to see my ticket four times. – Chris Rock
- Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I’m famous. – Chris Rock
Chris Rock Quotes On Blacks and America
- I realized with Broadway everything written for black people is usually written in the past, and I’m kind of a contemporary guy. I don’t think you want to see me in ‘Raisin in the Sun’. – Chris Rock
- “We got a justice system for rich, for poor, for black, for white. We live in a country where two people can do the exact same crime in the exact same place at the exact same time and get a different sentence.” – Chris Rock
- Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to. – Chris Rock
- Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four. – Chris Rock
- Black people have been qualified to be president for hundreds of years. George Washington Carver could have been president. I could go on with a list of black men that were qualified to be the president of the United States. So the Obama victory is progress for white people. – Chris Rock
- “Much like rock ‘n’ roll, school shootings were invented by the black man and stolen by the whites.” – Chris Rock
- People are always going to, you know, find something wrong with people who are not the exact same as them. That’s just what it is. Black, white, short, tall, religions, whatever. People are bad. – Chris Rock
- Who’s judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest! – Chris Rock