100+ Bob Hope Quotes From The Great Comedian

Bob Hope Quotes

• “My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?” ― Bob Hope
• “When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things – not the great occasions – give off the greatest glow of happiness.” ― Bob Hope
• “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” ― Bob Hope

Famous Bob Hope Quotes

• The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup. ― Bob Hope
• Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued. ― Bob Hope
• And on nearby islands, the Japanese army was eating raw fish. We felt sorry for them. We didn’t know that in America after the war, you wouldn’t be able to get into a sushi joint without a reservation. And we thought they lost. ― Bob Hope
• “People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.” ― Bob Hope
• “I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.” ― Bob Hope
• “When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. ” ― Bob Hope
• “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” ― Bob Hope
• “If you haven’t any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.” ― Bob Hope
• “She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.” ― Bob Hope
• “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned how to dance- waiting for the bathroom.” ― Bob Hope
• “When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things – not the great occasions – that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.” ― Bob Hope
• “A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.” ― Bob Hope
• “Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I’m going to kill the guy.” ― Bob Hope, The Road to Hollywood: My 40-Year Love Affair with the Movies
• “Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands” ― Bob Hope
• “A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?” ― Bob Hope
• “I do benefits for all religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.” ― Bob Hope
• “I’ve always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.” ― Bob Hope
• “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.” ― Bob Hope
• “If you were to be loved, be loveable” ― Bob Hope
• “People who blow kisses are hopelessly lazy.” ― Bob Hope
• “People who throw kisses are helplessly lazy” ― Bob Hope
• “Until you’ve seen them, you have no conception of their courage.” ― Bob Hope
• “I made so many B pictures I began to get fan mail from hornets…and for me that was an improvement.” ― Bob Hope, They Got Me Covered
• “Instead of taking a quiet nap as I should have been doing, I spent the afternoon in a teeming anthill of cutthroats, pickpockets, and shady characters who’d committed every crime in the book. Including one I couldn’t forgive them for – no one asked me for my autograph.” ― Bob Hope, I Owe Russia $1200
• I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. ― Bob Hope
• I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money. ― Bob Hope
• You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it. ― Bob Hope
• If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf. ― Bob Hope
• I like to play in the low 70’s. If it gets any hotter than that I’ll stay in the bar! ― Bob Hope
• Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong. ― Bob Hope
• The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he’s really pissed off. ― Bob Hope

Funny Bob Hope Quotes

Enjoy funny quotes by the British comedian that will make you laugh

• If I have to lay an egg for my country, I’ll do it. ― Bob Hope
• The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear’s huge jaws. I wouldn’t even try that with my agent. ― Bob Hope
• The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage. ― Bob Hope
• Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn’t hear them. ― Bob Hope
• Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn’t get elected, he’d go back to acting. ― Bob Hope
• After the 1984 Summer Olympics, Reagan wanted to add the U.S. volleyball team to his Cabinet. He figured if they can’t shove his programs down Congress’ throat, nobody can. ― Bob Hope
• I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels … and returns. ― Bob Hope
• Everybody knows what California smog is – that’s fog with the vitamins removed. ― Bob Hope
• In England when you make a movie even the weather is against you. In Hollywood, the weatherman gets a shooting schedule from all the major studios and then figures out where he can fit in a little rain without upsetting Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer too much. ― Bob Hope
• The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact, he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he’s not running for anything. ― Bob Hope
• I don’t bother to look for parking spaces anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard … I sell. ― Bob Hope
• You’ve got to be rich to have a swing like that. ― Bob Hope
• Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. ― Bob Hope
• The trees in Siberia are miles apart, which is why the dogs are so fast. ― Bob Hope
• They’ll always be an England, even if it’s in Hollywood. ― Bob Hope
• I have too much money invested in sweaters. ― Bob Hope
• When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor’s Orphanage – he shot both his parents and moved in.

Bob Hope Quotes About Golf

• I just hope I don’t have to explain all the times I’ve used His name in vain when I get up there.
• I tell jokes to pay my green fees. ― Bob Hope
• If my golf game was a prize fight, they’d stop it. ― Bob Hope
• President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes. ― Bob Hope
• Foursomes have left the first tee there and have never been seen again. They just find their shoelaces and bags. ― Bob Hope
• Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells ‘Fore!’ the guy he’s hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. ― Bob Hope
• It’s not hard to find Gerry Ford on a golf course – you just follow the wounded. ― Bob Hope
• If they liked you, they didn’t applaud — they let you live. ― Bob Hope
• We’re on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It’s a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf. ― Bob Hope

 Hillarious Quotes By Bob Hope

• Every Naval vessel has a contingent of Marines aboard. After all, the Sailors have to have someone to dance with. ― Bob Hope
• Miniskirts have become quite a fad. They’re even some guys wearing them. Don’t laugh, if you had thought to of that, you’d not be here now. ― Bob Hope
• We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs. He [President Ford] never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot. ― Bob Hope
• When you get over 95, every day is your day. ― Bob Hope

Bob Hope Quotes On Politics

• Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They’re all running for the Presidency. ― Bob Hope
• To give you an idea of how fast we traveled – we left with two rabbits and when we arrived, we still had only two. ― Bob Hope
• Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn’t know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He’s always had an agent for that. ― Bob Hope
• The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned. ― Bob Hope
• America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan – Go for the Gold. ― Bob Hope
• We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back. ― Bob Hope
• I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.
• Eisenhower admitted that the budget can’t be balanced and McCarthy said the communists are taking over. You don’t know what to worry about these days – whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn. ― Bob Hope
• Seventy years of ad-lib material, and I am speechless. ― Bob Hope
• He was bare chested and in good trim. I said that just looking at him I knew there would always be an England. ― Bob Hope
• I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight – and that was just their hair. ― Bob Hope
• Now that the war is winding down, I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here – just for me. ― Bob Hope
• If I had that kind of money, I wouldn’t come to Vietnam, I’d send for it. ― Bob Hope
• Please don’t stand up on my account. ― Bob Hope
• Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you’re God’s frozen people. ― Bob Hope
• Don’t people know that they don’t have to heckle the president of the United States? That’s what Congress is for. ― Bob Hope
• The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark… ― Bob Hope
• One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we’ll have her forever. ― Bob Hope
• I led such a sheltered life I didn’t go out with girls until I was almost four. ― Bob Hope
• Baseball is a soap opera that plays out day after day, one that a lot of elderly women watch until the characters and the plot becomes a part of their life. She got to enjoy the personal side of the players. They were her kids. The Braves were her family.
• The home videos aren’t as good, but they are seeming to get better.
• Bing Crosby and I play a lot of golf together and I have a small course at my place where we often play for side stakes. The only trouble is that when I win, I always have to engage and attorney before I can draw the money.
• The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I’ve been doing that all my life. ― Bob Hope
• At the Academy Award Dinners, all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents. ― Bob Hope
• Today’s ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken, and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music. ― Bob Hope
• Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It’s going to get us out of the house after dark! ― Bob Hope
• It sure has been a pleasure for us to broadcast for the sailors and soldiers; besides, its part of the National Defence Program to prepare our boys for anything. ― Bob Hope

Bob Hope Quote About Life And Money

Bob Hope was a very good comedian but very serious about life and how you live it fully.

• I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half. ― Bob Hope
• Failure is the only thing I’ve ever been a success at. ― Bob Hope
• Perfume acts as an anesthetic. By the time she floats a little your way, you’ll promise her anything. ― Bob Hope
• You know, marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before. ― Bob Hope
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ― Bob Hope
• I’ve never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn’t know how really great he is. ― Bob Hope
• Out here in the Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don’t worry about them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it. ― Bob Hope
• That’s where movies go when they die. ― Bob Hope
• Audiences are my best friends. You never tire of talking with your best friends. ― Bob Hope
• The firm is really ahead of the times. It has a stock market ticker that prints its report on thin aspirins. ― Bob Hope
• Everyone’s nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that’s just to protect his buns. ― Bob Hope
• Television is the box they buried entertainment in. ― Bob Hope
• I don’t know what people have against the government; they haven’t done anything. ― Bob Hope
• Don’t tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation. ― Bob Hope
• On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, that he’s now my golf bag. ― Bob Hope
• It’s a wonderful world. It may destroy itself but you’ll be able to watch it all on TV. ― Bob Hope
• The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America, we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government. ― Bob Hope
• As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, “Don’t worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it’s obsolete.” ― Bob Hope
• There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip. ― Bob Hope