Your Ultimate Collection Of Funny Quotes And Funny Sayings, For Every Occasion And Situation.
These funny quotes will lighten up your mood and day. Some are very hilarious and I promise you, you will remember them for as long as you live.
Best Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh
- “I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” —C. Fields
- Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs. — Kin Hubbard
- It’s fun to be hopelessly in love. It’s dangerous, but it’s fun. — Keanu Reeves
- “I’d love to punch that guy in the face right now. But I can’t, you know, because I’d get in trouble. I bet you get a lot of that on “Let’s Make A Deal.” – Adam Sandler, ‘Happy Gilmore’.
- “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.” —Stanley Hudson, The Office
- “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”―Mindy Kaling
- “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” —Joan Rivers
- “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” —Elbert Hubbard
- “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” ―Mae West
Funny Quotes About Life
- “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” —Charlie Brown
- “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.” —James Branch Cabell
- “I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.” ―Bill Watterson
- “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” ―Mae West
- “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” ―C. Fields
- “I love mankind… it’s people I can’t stand!!” ― Charles M. Schulz
- “I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.” ―Oscar Wilde
- “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” —Michael Scott, The Office
- Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” ―Albert Einstein
- “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” ―Cathy Guisewite
- “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” ―Isaac Asimov
- “When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” —Lily Tomlin
- “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” —Zach Galifianakis
- “I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” —Kevin Malone, The Office
- ”Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.” —Dwight Schrute, The Office
- “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” —Mark Twain
- “I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” —Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias
- “Well, you know what they say: If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me.” —Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
- “A woman is like a tea bag: You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” —Eleanor Roosevelt
- “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” —Oprah Winfrey
- “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” —Charlotte Whitton
- “I drink to make other people more interesting.” —Ernest Hemingway
- “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”—Benjamin Franklin
- “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'” ―Groucho Marx
- “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. And I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton
- “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” —Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
- “Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” —Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls
- “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you.” —Rita Mae Brown
- ”My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” —Garry Shandling
Funny Love Quotes For Him Or Her
Here are some funny love quotes that can help you to have fun and laugh with your beloved. Read on to spice up your Love Life.
Funny Love Quotes for him
- I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.
- I think you are suffering from a lack of vitamin ME.
- You must be made of Iodine, Livermorium, and Uranium because I Lv U!
- You’re basically the cutest thing I have ever loved, after my kitten.
- Every day I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesterday… yesterday you were pretty annoying.
- Love makes people do silly things. Like, it made me send you this message!
- You’re the obi wan for me.
- I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?
- You’re the cheese to my macaroni.
- Besides chocolate, you’re my favorite.
- Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!
- I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
- Together with you is my favorite place to be.
- Let’s be weird and wonderful together.
- It’s amazing how one day someone walks into your life, and then the next day you wonder how you lived without them.
- You’re like a dictionary – you add meaning to my life.
- Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe. So basically a clown ninja.
- A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. – Tim Allen
- As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy. – Ralphie May
Funny Love Quotes For Her
Funny love quotes for her, expressing some of the silly and frustrating aspects of having a girlfriend or being in love with a girl. Plus some funny girl perspectives on being in a relationship too.
- You’re just like bacon, beer and chocolate – you make everything better.
- Let’s flip a coin. Heads, I’m yours. Tails, you’re mine.
- I love you more than beer, and I really love beer.
- I love you even when I’m really, really hungry.
- I love you from my head tomatoes.
- You add meaning to my life and yet, you subtract some cash from my wallet.
- Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it.
- He stole my heart so I’m planning revenge… I am going to take his last name.
- Sometimes I look at my boyfriend and think… Damn, he is one lucky man.
- I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner
- Promise yourself not to be a woman who needs a man to live, but a woman a man needs.
- Stop waiting for your prince on a white horse. Go and find him. The poor man might be lost or stuck on an island or something.
- What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday. – Cindy Garner
- Forever is a long time, make sure you spend it with someone who makes you laugh!
- An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie
- Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. – Phyllis Diller
- Every girl deserves a guy that can make her smile even when she doesn’t want to.
Funny Quotes For Friends
- “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” —Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
- “I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat.” —Pam Beesly, The Office
- “Don’t waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living.” —Meryl Streep
- “Even I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.” —Cindy Crawford
- “I don’t trust anyone who does their own hair. I don’t think it’s natural.” —Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes About Aging
- “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” —Lucille Ball
- “Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin’ across your face.” —Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
- “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” —Joan Rivers
- “People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.” —Dolly Parton
- “Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway.” —Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
- “No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You’re old, you sag, get over it.” —Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
- “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” —George Burns
- “Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.” —Luis Buñuel
- “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” —Sir Norman Wisdom
Funny Quotes About Marriage
- My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
- “If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
- “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
- “Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
- “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
- “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” —Albert Einstein
- “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” —Jean Illsley Clarke
- “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.”—Pauline Thomason
- “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” ―Phyllis Diller
- “The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” —Dolly Parton
- “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Shirley MacLaine
- “As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy.” —Ralphie May
- “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” —Jim Carrey
Short Funny Quotes
- “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” —Oscar Wilde
- “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.” —Betty White
- “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” —Judith Martin
- “Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
- “Reality continues to ruin my life.” ―Bill Watterson
- “Don’t be so humble — you are not that great.” ―Golda Meir
- “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” ―Will Rogers
- “I’ve had great success being a total idiot. ” ―Jerry Lewis
- “Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.” ―Ellen DeGeneres
- “Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company.” —Mark Twain
- “Instant gratification takes too long.” —Carrie Fisher
- “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” —Mark Twain
- “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.” ―Winston S. Churchill
- “All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
- “Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” —Sandra Bullock
Funny wise sayings
- “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.” —David Lee Roth
- “Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would.” —Neil Gaiman
- “Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.” —Ellen DeGeneres
- “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov
- “A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself and hates them for it.” ―George Bernard Shaw
- “The Lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.” —Ann Landers
Funny Quotes About Parenting And Families
- “A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
- “Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.” —Dennis Miller
- “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
- “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
- “Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
- “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” —Erma Bombeck
- “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
- —Phyllis Diller
- “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” —Phyllis Diller
- “It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” —Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls
- “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
- “If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
- “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” —Jerry Seinfeld
- “Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes.” —P.J. O’Rourke
- “Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.” —George Burns
Funny Quotes About Work
- “Everything I have I owe to this job… this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.” —Jim Halpert, The Office
- “An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true.” —Michael Scott, The Office
- “So this is my life — until I win the lottery.” —Jim Halpert, The Office
- “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” —Oscar Wilde
- “Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?” —Phyllis Diller
- “I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” —Joan Rivers
- “I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” ―Jerome K. Jerome
- ”I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ―Charles Lamb
- “Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.” —Marcelene Cox
- “The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” —Sarah Brown
- “You can’t have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic.” —Zig Ziglar
- “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure.” —Mark Twain
- “Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” —Will Rogers
Funny Quotes About Dogs
- “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron
- “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
- “If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
- “If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.” —Phil Pastoret
Funny Quotes About Cats
- “The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.” —Doug Larson
- “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
- “In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
- “Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” —Anonymous
What is your favorite Quote and which one made you laugh Non-Stop? Do comment with your answers below.
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